Feeling a little confused

I suppose everyone has this sort of moment in life where they really wonder what life has in store for them. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, concerning everything. All of these questions are buzzing through my head? What will happen after college? Where will I live? Will I get my own place? Will I have to move back in with the parental units? Will I be given the chance to build my resume? Will I be shot down my every audition I go on? Will I end ever meet a guy? Will I ever meet the RIGHT guy? Will I be single forever? Will I be one of those people that hoards animals to fill the gaps in her life and feel like I'm not a lonely pathetic loser? Will I have a happy life and skip all of this negative shit? I hate thinking about this! But I can't help it! I'm loving college, I'm feeling quite accomplished, like I'm doing what I was meant to be doing. But what happens when it's all over? I can't be in college forever, I want to start my life, but I'm also terrified. I don't know what I will do exactly and I can't stand not knowing.On a lighter note, I'm gonna' start doing Roller Derby. They're starting a league here in Ellensburg, and since I didn't get into "Urinetown" at school, I need something to do. I was pretty pumped when I found out they were starting it, especially since I had just watched "Whip It" before I saw the flyer. I'm ready to pwn some bitches, and I think it's gonna' be just the fun I need in my life currently.

EM: Lactose free milk

So today I saw that my roomie bought milk. I was particularly psyched because I was having a PBJ for lunch (with Adam's Peanutbutter, the best thing EVER) and nothing, imo, goes better with that than milk. As I poured I realized that what I was pouring myself was a empty glass of disappointment and resentment. The carton read "Lucerne 100% Lactose Free!"

What is Lactose? Hmmmm... let's see... I believe IT'S THAT THING THAT'S IN ALL DAIRY along with FAT!

Stop screwing with my foods and stopping trying to make me healthier! I reserve the right to kill myself slowly with fatty foods if I fucking want to! And STOP taking the trans fat out of my Dick's Fries too! I mean COME ON! If someone hoenstly needs you to "hold their hand" as Ju would say, through life and they can't drive by the fast food joint themselves without getting food there, they deserve to keep eating themselves into oblivion like an idiot anyways.

Stop it! STOP NOW!

My roomie will RUE the say she put Lucerne in MY HOUSE

EM: Omg, life is... ugh

Okay, I'm not gonna' bitch, because, let's face it, I don't have all that much to bitch about. But COME ON! People need to cut me some freakin' slack. So I'm directing a one act this quarter for school, and it's the first thing I've done in the Theatre department since I've gotten to CWU. I'm so excited! I love my script and I'm so excited to bring it to life! Just a little problem... no one seems to want to let me just do my job...

Alright, I admit it, I probably have the least experience out of everyone in this whole production! Okay, I know! I'm aware! But that doesn't give anyone the right to tell me how to do my job! Actors........... OH MY GOD ACTORS! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DIRECT! I don't care what you think, I don't care if you like how I do it, I.... DO.... NOT.... CARE. If you don't like how I do it, give me a bad review at the end of it. I don't care. Then you'll never have to work with me again. But don't give me tips, or tell me what to do, just fucking act. If I want you to do it a certain may, I'll tell you to do it a certain way, you don't get to explore yourself and your character if I don't like where it's going! OK?! SO SORRY I'M PARTICULAR ABOUT WHAT I LIKE!

Okay, not all of my actors are doing this, actually most aren't. But there are one or two people that I want to slap and just... I don't even know... put a shock collar on them and zap them until they get it right! I'm a good director! I think I'm a pretty nice person! But when people do shit like this I turn into a GIANT BITCH. A GIANT RAVING MAD BITCH.

Don't make me turn into crazy bitch again please people!

EM: Lately, this song speaks to me...

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart
Tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me
Smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving
Me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance
Line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this
Signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to
Understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance
Line tonight


I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out,
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance,
Stop this heartbreak Overload


I ain't missing you,
I ain't missing you,
I can lie to Myself...

EM: Maybe it's part of life... maybe it's normal...

I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking about my past a lot. When I say my past, I mean specifically High School, since that was a time of great discovery and lessons. Mainly what I've been thinking about it the fact that I wouldn't relive any of it if you gave me a million dollars. Like, when I really think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach how much I really hated High School. And what's interesting is how attached to it I was when I graduated. I mean, that's not really surprising; I absolutely hate change. In all honesty, I completely and utterly despise it. High School, other than the time I spent doing drama, was absolute balls. And I'm not excluding drama from that, because there were times during drama where I was so absolutely done I wanted to drop out and become a hobo. I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much lately, maybe it's because Holiday breaks are starting to come up, and that's when you reconnect with everyone.

Now I love seeing my close friends on breaks, I'm not saying I don't. But... I don't like seeing everybody... I HATE FEELING LIKE I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN. It pisses me off so much, it sickens me really.

I don't know how I got this way. At the time of High School I felt like everyone I'd met was a lifelong friend. I was right about some of those people, but not all of them. Actually I was right about... hmmmm... let's say 25-30% of them. All the others, now when I see them, they look at me like "Wow... are you really talking to me right now? Do I look like I wanna' chat?" and I have to ask... "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU?! SERIOUSLY?!"

Oh my god I'm tripping balls... I'm freaking out... I don't know why. I'm just all of the sudden thinking about all of the bad memories I have and NONE of the good. I want to think of the good! There were so many good! But the bad always overshadows the good, you always end up dwelling. I've never been one to massively dwell (except for one other occasion...) and I don't like doing it. It's out of character and it's annoying. And I don't want people thinking I don't want to be around them or that I hate them either (But luckily, not a lot of people follow this blog, so it's a good source to get my feelings out.) I don't know, either way, I guess I'm just going through a phase... I'm sure I'll get over it... eventually :(

EM: God dammit, MY LIFE!

What the hell?! I have Shingles?! REALLY?!! Omg, this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, aside from when I had hand-foot-and-mouth disease. I swear to god I get the most ridiculously outlandish and painful illnesses ever, it's not fair. I mean, seriously, I'm in so much goddamn pain. It's like someone is stabbing me in the left shoulder blade with a giant needle, meanwhile taking a bunch of smaller needles and scraping me along the rest of the surrounding area. I just want to die and get it over with, IT HURTS SO BAD!!! Dammit, agh... god. OUCH! Dammit... :'(

THE JU: Indescribable

Right now I am so unbelievably in love with my friends. More specifically the friends I dance with.

If you didn't already know, I am completely addicted to swing dancing. My friend Mark got me into it about a year and a half ago and it is absolutely my favorite thing to do in the whole world.

I love it cause it's okay to be goofy, infact the goofier you are the better.

But the real reason I'm so completely addicted is because of the people.

Nobody I dance with is trying to be cool

or sexy

or even go against the grain.

They all just genuinely love it, and they are the most sincere people I have ever known in my entire life.

So here's to the people I dance with

Especially my boys, who aren't afraid to be gentlemen, even when they don't have to be.

THE JU: yet another

Okay so there are so many blogs on here about Twilight. The one below this that Em wrote made me pee my pants a tiny bit. What I'm about to write isn't funny. I just need to sort through some shit going through my mind.

I am a Twilight fan. But before you stone me in the street I'd just like to say a few things:

1. I don't EVER want a man I'm with to sparkle
2. The fact that Nordstrom has a line of Twilight apparel and cosmetics makes me want to strangle innocent things
3. I find Robert Pattinson sexy for reasons that are completely seperate from the movies
4. I understand that the concepts of tabooed love, and sexy vampires are 100% unoriginal
5. Stephanie Meyer is to literature what the Jonas Brothers are to music
6. I will go to the midnight show of New Moon with gold contacts, only because I will not let the scene around something I like keep me from enjoying it, no matter how much that scene makes me want to pull out my fingernails and shove them into my own eyes

Here's my thing:
The Twilight fad is absolutely fucking ridiculous. And it angers me as much as the next person how much attention it is getting when, in all reality, it lacks originality, talented actors (with the exception of Dakota Fanning) and sensible artistic details. It baffles me that something completely void anything good is so popular.
And then I started thinking, why is it so popular. I mean it sucks, and everyone complains about it. In fact people that hate Twilight have just as many Facebook groups, and blogs as the super fans. So why on god's green earth is it so successful.
And then I realized, it's the people it is geared to. "The Twilight Saga" (p.s how the fuck did it get classified as a saga?) is geared towards prepubescent girls, and lusty old women. Two large target audiences, widely held to have absolutely no taste. So maybe that's why I (and most of the people I choose to associate with) don't understand.

It's the same principle as why I don't understand books about the wiring of cars; I am not the intended audience. Because surely if the people marketing Twilight were trying to hook me and my friends they wouldn't be going about it like they are right now. They'd be keeping it somewhat underground, true to the book, and do a hell of a lot better casting a female lead than Kirsten Stewart.

So my frustration is merely a product of the fact that I am no longer in the age group that huge fads are targeted to. It doesn't excuse the fact that it sucks, but it puts its popularity into perspective. The reason Twilight is so fucking nauseating is because the fan base is too.

Of course young teenage girls love all the shirts that say "Screw Being a Princess, I want to be a Vampire" and "Bet You Can't Read My Mind". It's because they're young, naive, and think they're hot shit. The same reasons why 15 year old girls scream to the lead singer of Boys Like Girls that they want to have his babies. They are, for lack of a better synonym, completely fucking retarded.

Unfortunately, the world is full of Jr. High School girls who haven't yet realized that they're ridiculous. Which is why Twilight, and the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus for that matter, are so popular.

Our parents went through the same frustration when The Spice Girls and boy bands hit the fan in the 90s. Don't get me wrong, Spice Girls are (to me) classic, but compared to the music of our parents grew up with, the Spice Girls were horrible. And we loved them because they were marketed to us.

So there we go. Twilight is horrible because for some reason that is what sells.

God damn it what is the world coming to.

EM: You Twilight Fans know NOTHING!

So today, it officially set me off. The Twilight craze I mean. I was walking in the SURC and heard some girl say, SERIOUSLY, "Robert Pattinson made vampires sexy!"........ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! SUCK MY BALLS! Vampires have been considered sexy for freaking ever, that's the whole point of them. They're alluring! Dumb bitches! Robert Pattinson came in with his creepy ass "Guy you alert the flight attendant about" facial expressions and hung around like a totally unnecessary fart. There have been so many vampires in film that have been so much hotter than Robert Pattinson that it's kind of ridiculous. I'm sorry, but it has officially pissed me off. I mean, come on. Twilight, although entertaining, is in no way original or groundbreaking. GOD DAMMIT! I will now do a salute to all those who have been over looked because Twilight sucks so much!

Antonio Banderes in Interview With A Vampire

Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned

Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire

Tom Cruise in Interview With A Vampire

Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000

And yet you people, you crazy ass people with your golden contacts and your body glitter and you're "I kissed a Vampire and I liked it" T-Shirts continually find that it makes sense to drool over THIS!

CHOADE

Suck my balls people... suck them dry...

THE JU: Warm Me Up

Oh my darling Em. While the male species may not understand, I for one know exactly why you're extra pervy lately.

Blame it on the earth

It's because it's fall.

And it's cold.

And the only thing to do when it's cold is think about ways to warm up.

And since we all know how much you hate snuggies, there's really only one alternative.

I have been thinking about the exact same thing, as everyone with out a Y chromosome has. And it's time to address a new face that has no doubt been haunting female minds for about a year now.

Taylor Lautner

He gained womens' trust last year in Twilight, and with the addition of thirty pounds of muscle he'll be making their collar bones burn in New Moon next month.

The only problem.

He's complete jail bait.

I'm aware that this blog is wholly unoriginal. Taylor Lautner's status as fetus man candy is about as ground breaking as a picture of Britney Spears' vag.

Everybody's sick of hearing about it but we can't look away.

And I don't want to.

Look away from Taylor Lautner that is...not Britney's genitalia. bleh.

Anyways, getting back to topics that don't make me vomit in my mouth. I don't care that he's 17 years old. Because there comes a time when it doesn't matter (and that time came when he got a six pack). And while the fact that he's 17 makes me feel like a cougar even tho I'm barely 18, all I have to say is one thing.

The age of consent in Washington is 16.

XD

EM: My mind in pictures

So, lately... I'm a total perv! Shocking, I know! I seem to be stuck in a rut, the kind of rut where all you can think about is, well, you know... bad bad things. I mean, have I ever really had any other kind of mind? No, not really, but I mean, come on! Get over it, and move on Emily! But at the same time, can you blame me?... no, not really... Unless you're a man, then you may feel a little offended that I use your form as private mental entertainment XD Oops, was that too much information? Ugh, too late.

Exercise is important...

Transformers is too...

Tiger Woods thought he made golf look good... HA!

Ah, the beauty of the no-longer-highschool musical kid...

Making IHOP and Football interesting...

Do I even need to explain this one?

They cut the bottom of the photo off, it kills me a little...

They're taking him to my house...

EM: Men (can't live with them, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM)

So essentially I've realized that I have the most intense love/hate relationship with the male species. I mean, it's a little ridiculous. There are those guys who you're just friends with; they're sweet, they're funny, they're a little annoying sometimes, but you love being around them all the time. There are those guys you like; they're sweet, they're funny, they drive you up the wall because you know they just don't get it, and yet you love being around them all the time. And finally there are the guys who you hate so much you just want them to walk into moving rush hour traffic (there aren't very many of them, but they exist). This puts me in a pickle. Why? I can't handle the fact that I feel like to every guy I meet, I'm the friend. "Oh Emily, you're such a good friend!" and "Emily I love you" of course platonically. I'm not that girl who anyone's immediately attracted to, which is annoying. I mean, I don't want to be one of those girls who guys only like for they're looks, but still... and holy shit! Every guy I like, a bunch of other girls like, and just totally make it obvious. All over them, hugging them, sitting with them, talking to them, giggling uncontrollably, how the shit to I compete with that? I'm not that kind of girl, I don't play the game like that.

There's the ex-boyfriends of course. I mean, I only have one, but still, it's not the easiest thing ever. Are we friends? Yeah. Is it cool? Yeah! Will it ever be the same? No. Everything is completely changed and you'll never just be friends. You'll always be ex's, it's like being branded with a permanent mark on your forehead.

And the guys who you once kind of had a thing with, who completely fucked you over and are totally clueless to the fact that they hurt you. The guys who always try to talk to you like everything is cool, and you have to ignore, and you wish they'd just be gone forever, because in all honesty they're not that great anyway and the only reason you ever went for them is because you were so vulnerable from you're previous heartbreak that you were ready to jump anything and anyone with a pulse. And you were on two completely different pages; you didn't know it, but he did. Or you did know it and were in complete denial. Or you weren't in denial but thought he'd change his mind. OR ALL OF THE ABOVE! Not only is he a complete and total walking dick, but he's a constant reminder of what a complete retard you were. And you're still heart broken, he didn't fix anything. If anything, he just took your broken heart, put the pieces in a blender, and hit "frappe".

I just need to meet someone new, you know? Just meet someone new! A cool dude who isn't in theatre, who I haven't known for a decent amount of years, who is cool and nice and friendly, who has a good sense of humor... you know, that quite possibly non-existent-for-me dream guy. It's obnoxious, god college is a torture chamber sometimes.

THE JU: Stuck in Some Sort of No Man's Land

I'm in a really weird place in my life right now.
I'm not away at college. But I'm not in High School. I'm still living at home, yet I'm almost completely self sufficient.

Basically I'm stuck still going through the motions
Wake Up
Class/ Work
Homework
Sleep

Basically I'm stuck where I never really wanted to be. In this awkward suburbian bubble that I was forced into 11 years ago. Void of culture or anything remotely authentic.

Wanting nothing more than to get out. To go on my own adventures since everyone else is doing just that.
Yet I know that getting out for the sake of getting out will just get me stuck somewhere else down the road.

Basically I don't know what to do.

THE JU: we get it

This is the 4th English class in a row in which my first reading assignment was an article about how the texting epidemic that hits teenagers and young adults so hard is eating away at our ability to write intelligently.
All I have to say is enough already.
It gets beaten into our heads everyday that the way we write in e-mails, text messages and our facebook profiles is inappropriate in the classroom. We Get It. And honestly not one of my friends has ever tried to pass that off as academic writing.
Just like a good student would never turn in a paper that was written in the language that they used to speak to their friends, a good student would never turn in a paper in text speak. So I guaruntee that if a student hands in an essay strewn with abreviations and usless acronyms, that student would have turned in a shitty paper even if texting and blogs never exsisted.

And we also don't need to be taught how to conciously switch from text speak to the standard english used in academic writing. If you try to hold someone's hand through something like that you just hinder personal repsonsibility. It's like manners.
If raised correctly, the transition between the way a child speaks to his friend and the way he speaks to his grandmother should be a natural transition.
If taught correctly, a student should be able to transition just as easily from the informal communication we use electronically and the formal rules of academic writing.

Just teach kids all the rules and tell them that standard english is the only appropriate way to write for an academic audience. If they fuck up after that it's because they're lazy, not because texting is slowing eating away at the pillars of good english.

EM: You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown!

You know those occasions where you plan and you plan and you plan for something, and you imagine it in your head over and over again, continuously having it go perfectly in your head, and then when it finally happens, your definition of perfect gets totally blown out of the water? Well that's what this show was for me; the most perfect and amazing experience of my life. This show was the greatest learning experience for me as both a director and a person. These kids, these amazing kids I worked with.... there are no words to describe these people. And all the support we received from friends, family, and even the outside public was amazing as well. Seeing the little children's faces in the audience, smiling and laughing, all because of this show, and seeing how much my cast grew to really truly become friends. Watching them get to know each other, getting to know them better myself, and all of us growing closer as a group. You know, I can honestly say that this was the BEST version of "...Charlie Brown!" I'd ever seen, and I'm not even saying that just because it was mine! It really was that bomb! Well, I can't wait to do it again, but if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that there will never be a show that tops my first one. This show will always have a very special place in my heart.

EM: Well, you live and you learn

That people you think are your "friends", they're not about 80% of the time. Most of the time, they keep you around for your personal information to leak out so that they can entertain themselves by talking shit about you.... A LOT. And you know what's funny? All the shit they talk about, that they think they're really smart for finding out.... IT'S NEVER FUCKING TRUE! Therefore, I've learned that I have a best friend that I love very dearly, and she's the best person I know. Everyone else, what the hell ever man. Being back stabbed, it's fucks you over too, not just me. Love you Ju, don't know what I'd do without you

EM: First year of College, almost over...

All I have to say is this: 

• 1.) If you're in HS and I'm talking about a hard assignment, you trying to relate to it by talking about your HS homework is a really great way to PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME GODDAMN THING.
• 2.) That I love Ellensburg, yeah... it's come to that. I really like being out here with these people.
• 3.) In HS, I met Ju, and made a best friend, and that was truly the best and most rewarding part of HS for me. The rest of it is a memory that I don't care to revisit. 
• 4.) I miss Ju, and coming back this summer will be great, as will Hawaii :)
• 5.) That I've realized I've been forced out of my shell, truly forced, kicking and screaming, crying and hiding, and I look back on it, and I'm so glad.
• 6.) College is truly a wonderful gift, that I'm done taking advantage of, and look forward to instead fully seizing. 
• 7.) God am I a freaking Liberal... I mean, dude...
• 8.) If you're a bitch, I WILL FIGHT YOU
• 9.) I look totally retarded when I'm tipsy
• 10.) CWU Theatre=Best thing ever

For some, I'm sure this all sounds quite insignificant, like I should have had some epic, altering, life changing experience! Well, I did! Just not the huge kind you see in fake-ass movies. I've realized what I truly care about and what's truly important, and what distance does to people, and how true friendships last through anything. I've learned that it's okay to occasionally let loose and not keep my guard up at all time, to speak my mind, and to NOT let people walk all over me. And I've realized that being meek will get you absolutely nowhere, unless your ultimate goal in life is to have a desk job. Oh... and I've also realized that the culminating project that took me a year to do in HS was NOTHING LIKE THE 10 PAGE RESEARCH PAPER I JUST WROTE IN 3 DAYS. Let's get this next (and last) chapter of my educational career over with now, so I can move on to my job. Real life, here I come.

THE JU: Feeling Insignificant

really sucks

THE JU: Coming to an End

Saturday night was my senior prom. Something insignificant and monumental at the same time. Senior Prom means different things to different people. Here's what it meant to me

It meant that Saturday I would get off four and a half hours early.

Pick Kate up from her house

Drive to a florist to pick up the boutonnieres

End up being late to get my hair done

Spend an hour getting my hair done

Thirty minutes getting my makeup done

Go back to my house

And have Kate tape me into a dress that I spent the entirety of my tax refund check on

It meant that

my Mom would take pictures of Oliver, Jim, Kate and I in front of the lilac bush

and my neighbors would instantly know what was going on when they turned on to our street

It meant that Oliver and I would stall at dinner for two and a half hours because there was no traffic

That we would tour the EMP for half the dance 

And Ollie would finally let me take him swing dancing when we got bored

But now that it's over, it means a little more than that

Not the dance itself, with so much build up and anticipation all I really care about is getting to wear my dress again

But my senior prom has come and past

And i have to admit I never thought I'd make it

Now I'm graduating in 2 1/2 weeks

And i will never have to go back 

I'll be 18 in three weeks, I'll get my nose pierced, and I'll get my birthday dance at swing

And I will never see some of the people i love again

So as this part of my life is coming to an end, I can't help but think about those I've lost, and all the things that were left unsaid and undone.

I don't have any regrets, but I wish I could say that my childhood was everything it needed to be. I guess I have the next 3 weeks to make it that. 

EM: Swine Flu

So, I'm gonna' state my opinion about this whole thing and then just be done with it. If I don't, I'm seriously gonna' punt a baby across my room. Swine flu... oh the dreaded swine flu... wanna' know something about the swine flu?.... IT'S THE FUCKING FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN, IT.... IS.... THE.... FLU! Wanna' know how you avoid being infected with this oh so deadly sickness???? Here's a list of DUMB ASS ways to avoid it:

• Wash your hands a lot (which you should be doing anyway!)
• Don't share a single drink with 10 freaking people (which you should NOT be doing anyway!)
• When you kiss your significant other, be sure that they're not licking the door knobs at grey hound bus station bathrooms (Seriously...)
• Cover your mouth when you cough (NO BRAINER)
• Cover your WHOLE FACE when you sneeze (DUMB ASS)
• OVER ALL JUST DON'T BE STUPID AND DO NOT, I repeat... DO NOT BE A FREAKING HYPOCHONDRIAC!

I mean come on people, it's the flu, this is exactly what happened with Bird Flu (Which was way more deadly anyway) and SARS (which people had a 98% chance of survival with) and Mad Cow (which isn't the same thing, but the hype was the same so I'm counting it). Where are the most people dying from this????? MEXICO! Why? Becuase Mexico has really really really really REALLY shitty healthcare!!!! Ok? GOD!!!!!!!

That is my opinion on Swine Flu. I'm not going to get it, I'm not going to die, and if everyone stays healthy and smart, we should be fine. Why? Because it's the flu. 

If you have a problem with what I'm saying, then keep it to yourself, because this is MY blog, not yours and I don't need your NEGATIVE opinions. If you just want to laugh at me and tell me I have anger management, that's cool, because well, I probably do.