Feeling a little confused

I suppose everyone has this sort of moment in life where they really wonder what life has in store for them. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, concerning everything. All of these questions are buzzing through my head? What will happen after college? Where will I live? Will I get my own place? Will I have to move back in with the parental units? Will I be given the chance to build my resume? Will I be shot down my every audition I go on? Will I end ever meet a guy? Will I ever meet the RIGHT guy? Will I be single forever? Will I be one of those people that hoards animals to fill the gaps in her life and feel like I'm not a lonely pathetic loser? Will I have a happy life and skip all of this negative shit? I hate thinking about this! But I can't help it! I'm loving college, I'm feeling quite accomplished, like I'm doing what I was meant to be doing. But what happens when it's all over? I can't be in college forever, I want to start my life, but I'm also terrified. I don't know what I will do exactly and I can't stand not knowing.On a lighter note, I'm gonna' start doing Roller Derby. They're starting a league here in Ellensburg, and since I didn't get into "Urinetown" at school, I need something to do. I was pretty pumped when I found out they were starting it, especially since I had just watched "Whip It" before I saw the flyer. I'm ready to pwn some bitches, and I think it's gonna' be just the fun I need in my life currently.

EM: Lactose free milk

So today I saw that my roomie bought milk. I was particularly psyched because I was having a PBJ for lunch (with Adam's Peanutbutter, the best thing EVER) and nothing, imo, goes better with that than milk. As I poured I realized that what I was pouring myself was a empty glass of disappointment and resentment. The carton read "Lucerne 100% Lactose Free!"

What is Lactose? Hmmmm... let's see... I believe IT'S THAT THING THAT'S IN ALL DAIRY along with FAT!

Stop screwing with my foods and stopping trying to make me healthier! I reserve the right to kill myself slowly with fatty foods if I fucking want to! And STOP taking the trans fat out of my Dick's Fries too! I mean COME ON! If someone hoenstly needs you to "hold their hand" as Ju would say, through life and they can't drive by the fast food joint themselves without getting food there, they deserve to keep eating themselves into oblivion like an idiot anyways.

Stop it! STOP NOW!

My roomie will RUE the say she put Lucerne in MY HOUSE

EM: Omg, life is... ugh

Okay, I'm not gonna' bitch, because, let's face it, I don't have all that much to bitch about. But COME ON! People need to cut me some freakin' slack. So I'm directing a one act this quarter for school, and it's the first thing I've done in the Theatre department since I've gotten to CWU. I'm so excited! I love my script and I'm so excited to bring it to life! Just a little problem... no one seems to want to let me just do my job...

Alright, I admit it, I probably have the least experience out of everyone in this whole production! Okay, I know! I'm aware! But that doesn't give anyone the right to tell me how to do my job! Actors........... OH MY GOD ACTORS! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DIRECT! I don't care what you think, I don't care if you like how I do it, I.... DO.... NOT.... CARE. If you don't like how I do it, give me a bad review at the end of it. I don't care. Then you'll never have to work with me again. But don't give me tips, or tell me what to do, just fucking act. If I want you to do it a certain may, I'll tell you to do it a certain way, you don't get to explore yourself and your character if I don't like where it's going! OK?! SO SORRY I'M PARTICULAR ABOUT WHAT I LIKE!

Okay, not all of my actors are doing this, actually most aren't. But there are one or two people that I want to slap and just... I don't even know... put a shock collar on them and zap them until they get it right! I'm a good director! I think I'm a pretty nice person! But when people do shit like this I turn into a GIANT BITCH. A GIANT RAVING MAD BITCH.

Don't make me turn into crazy bitch again please people!

EM: Lately, this song speaks to me...

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart
Tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me
Smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving
Me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance
Line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this
Signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to
Understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance
Line tonight


I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out,
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance,
Stop this heartbreak Overload


I ain't missing you,
I ain't missing you,
I can lie to Myself...

EM: Maybe it's part of life... maybe it's normal...

I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking about my past a lot. When I say my past, I mean specifically High School, since that was a time of great discovery and lessons. Mainly what I've been thinking about it the fact that I wouldn't relive any of it if you gave me a million dollars. Like, when I really think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach how much I really hated High School. And what's interesting is how attached to it I was when I graduated. I mean, that's not really surprising; I absolutely hate change. In all honesty, I completely and utterly despise it. High School, other than the time I spent doing drama, was absolute balls. And I'm not excluding drama from that, because there were times during drama where I was so absolutely done I wanted to drop out and become a hobo. I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much lately, maybe it's because Holiday breaks are starting to come up, and that's when you reconnect with everyone.

Now I love seeing my close friends on breaks, I'm not saying I don't. But... I don't like seeing everybody... I HATE FEELING LIKE I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN. It pisses me off so much, it sickens me really.

I don't know how I got this way. At the time of High School I felt like everyone I'd met was a lifelong friend. I was right about some of those people, but not all of them. Actually I was right about... hmmmm... let's say 25-30% of them. All the others, now when I see them, they look at me like "Wow... are you really talking to me right now? Do I look like I wanna' chat?" and I have to ask... "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU?! SERIOUSLY?!"

Oh my god I'm tripping balls... I'm freaking out... I don't know why. I'm just all of the sudden thinking about all of the bad memories I have and NONE of the good. I want to think of the good! There were so many good! But the bad always overshadows the good, you always end up dwelling. I've never been one to massively dwell (except for one other occasion...) and I don't like doing it. It's out of character and it's annoying. And I don't want people thinking I don't want to be around them or that I hate them either (But luckily, not a lot of people follow this blog, so it's a good source to get my feelings out.) I don't know, either way, I guess I'm just going through a phase... I'm sure I'll get over it... eventually :(

EM: God dammit, MY LIFE!

What the hell?! I have Shingles?! REALLY?!! Omg, this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, aside from when I had hand-foot-and-mouth disease. I swear to god I get the most ridiculously outlandish and painful illnesses ever, it's not fair. I mean, seriously, I'm in so much goddamn pain. It's like someone is stabbing me in the left shoulder blade with a giant needle, meanwhile taking a bunch of smaller needles and scraping me along the rest of the surrounding area. I just want to die and get it over with, IT HURTS SO BAD!!! Dammit, agh... god. OUCH! Dammit... :'(

THE JU: Indescribable

Right now I am so unbelievably in love with my friends. More specifically the friends I dance with.

If you didn't already know, I am completely addicted to swing dancing. My friend Mark got me into it about a year and a half ago and it is absolutely my favorite thing to do in the whole world.

I love it cause it's okay to be goofy, infact the goofier you are the better.

But the real reason I'm so completely addicted is because of the people.

Nobody I dance with is trying to be cool

or sexy

or even go against the grain.

They all just genuinely love it, and they are the most sincere people I have ever known in my entire life.

So here's to the people I dance with

Especially my boys, who aren't afraid to be gentlemen, even when they don't have to be.